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Sunday, February 22, 2009, 6:24 PM

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Dating, is generally characterized by a culture that focuses on romance and the feeling of love. Unfortunately, it creates an environment that tends to fail at building strong relationships because it often skips the friendship stage of a relationship, prematurely moving into a romantic and often physical relationship. Furthermore, because the focus is on the couple rather than on building a solid relationship, dating tends to cause couples, teenagers especially, to spend all their time together. They neglect their other relationships and the responsibility they have to be preparing to succeed in life. Additionally, because the culture equates love with a physical relationship, dating easily leads to neglecting the purity that God desires. Since dating focuses on romance without first creating a foundation of friendship and commitment,Josh Harris advocates not dating. Instead, he suggests that unmarried men and women should concentrate on loving each other as brothers or sisters in Christ. After they have built friendships with the opposite sex and are willing to consider a lifetime commitment, then they can begin being romantic, although always saving physical pleasure (such as kissing) until for marriage.

The problem is ultimately caused by our culture's mistaken view of what love is. Our culture views love as primarily a feeling, as something that it is not controllable, and that it is primarily to satisfy ourselves. Thus we talk about "falling" in love (although never about falling out of love) and give the line "if you really loved me you'd sleep with me" (only probably not so bluntly). By contrast, God's view is just the opposite. Christ did not feel like going to the cross to pay for our sin--witness his prayer in Gethsemane--but he did so by a conscious choice and because he loved us. True love is not self-centered and is a commitment that we are in control of.

The solution to a dating culture that is misdirected towards sensuality is not abandoning dating so much as it is pursuing relationships with godly values. The first of those values that Josh discusses is timing, or rather, delayed gratitude. We want a relationship right now, but we should not rush into something if God is not ready for us too. Josh does not spend much time speculating on the reasons God may have, but simply observes that He asks us to trust him. He cites a study of four-year olds, who were given the choice of one marshmallow now, or two when the researcher returns to the room. The children who waited ended up more successful later on in life than those who did not. Likewise, we should trust God to return with His best when He is ready.

Next Josh talks about purity. There is a tendency among Christians to view purity as a line that can't be crossed, but in reality, purity is a lifestyle, or as Josh says, a direction. First of all it requires a respect for physical intimacy. Physical intimacy can be wonderful, but without the commitment of marriage it is not only forbidden, but also harmful, because you are sharing yourself at a level that will be harmful to your relationship with the person you eventually do marry. Furthermore, physical intimacy is designed to progress to intercourse, so it is dangerous to try prevent this by setting an artificial limit. Better to simply save the pleasures of physical intimacy (even kissing) for marriage. Second, purity requires setting standards too high, not just barely high enough. Third, purity is concerned with protecting the purity of others. Here Josh has some specific guidelines. Guys should be honest with gals, not flirting or leading them on, because gals' sinful struggles tend to be related to their emotions. Likewise, because guys' sin tends to be in the area of lust, gals can help protect their Christian brothers' purity by dressing modestly.

The pursuit of a godly lifestyle can be aided in several ways in addition to a concern for purity in relationships. Most important is to change what needs to be changed in your current relationships, if they are not leading in the direction of purity. This may mean breaking up or keeping a budding romance at the friendship level because one or both of you are not committed enough to each other for intimacy, or because the relationship is simply just a physical one. We are immersed in a culture that is always urging us away from godly lifestyles. We may need to examine what we are listening to: television shows, movies, songs, friends, etc., and stop spending time in situations that tempt us to be dissatisfied with what God has given us, or that promote an ungodly lifestyle.

"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

"Recreational romance" enjoys intimacy without any commitment, so when we leave, we hurt the other person.

"Proverbs 3:3 states, 'Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.' God wants love and faithfulness to be connected. In His plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationship--emotional or sexual--are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person's long-term good. The way of sin is to divorce the two."

"And I think that's the story of our generation's pursuit of fulfillment in relationships. We wished for intimacy without obligation. We wished for sex with no strings attached. We wished for the pleasure of love with none of the work, none of the vows, none of the sacrifice. And we got it. But the results aren't what we hoped for. And we're left feeling emptier than before."

God's view of love:

"True love is selfless." Christ gave his life for us.

It is not a feeling--Christ "clearly didn't feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and enduring God's wrath for sin."

"Love is under our control" Christ chose to love us. "We cannot justify doing what we know is wrong by saying that love grabbed hold of us and 'made' us behave irresponsibly. That's not love. Instead it's what the Bible calls in 1 Thessalonians 4:5 'passionate lust.'"
Love must be sincere, not trying to get something for yourself.

* "Many of us have fallen prey to the idea that we can and should pursue romance for its own sake. In other words, 'I'll become intimate with you because it feels good, not because I'm prayerfully considering marriage.' This attitude is not fair to the other person and is terrible preparation for marriage. Who wants to marry someone who will ditch a relationship the moment romantic feelings wane? Who wants to marry a person who has developed a habit of breaking up and finding someone new when the going gets tough?"

* "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing." William J. Bennett: "Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually "happiness" in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain things that are worthwhile."

** Tells about a study where 4 year old were given one marshmallow now or two in a little bit if they don't eat the one now. The ones who didn't eat it were generally more successful in the future. Similarly, do we trust God to give us two marshmallows later?

** Purity is not just a line that can't be crossed (e.g. kissing, or sex), but a outlook on life.

** "Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy" Physical intimacy brings feelings that tend to want to go further down the path.

** "Set your standards too high." Billy Graham is honored even by non-Christians because he set high standards, apparently unlike many other evangelists who have been taken down by scandals.

** "Make the purity of others a priority"
- Guys struggle more with sex drives and gals with emotions. Guys need to be honest with gals and not flirt or lead them on. Gals should pay attention to what they wear.